Posted on October 21, 2019 |
by Zachary Shahan
October 21, 2019 by Zachary Shahan
I wrote an article a few days ago about 7 things that Tesla "couldn't do" according to top car experts. As it turns out, these are the things that Tesla actually walked forward and did as he blew meaningless kisses into the crowd.
Some other ideas about things that "experts" were convinced that Tesla could not come to mind since then, so here is an extension of the article from the next day. Full disclosure: If you do not like to have fun at the expense of perennial haters and naysayers, this article is not for you. If you don't like humor at all, this article is not for you. If you just think my type of humor is nasty or you don't understand why such articles are helpful, this article is not for you. I think this is a fair warning for the upcoming ones, but I still have the feeling that some of you may still scroll down to the comments to tell me how much you dislike this article or any of the articles in this Tesla Flashbacks series. Alas life is hard.
Coming to the fun, here are the 7 additional things that Tesla absolutely, positively, pessimistically, super-objectively could not do:
1. Make 5000 Tesla Model 3 Sedans a Week
The mess of months and months – even quarters and quarters – was that Tesla could never (as in ever ) reach the production of 5000 Tesla Model 3 on month, It was just something Tesla was not too fit to do, approved to do, able to do, or capable of doing before going bankrupt. In addition, there was probably not enough customer demand for the 5000 Model 3 per month. So, a short story: Tesla could never reach that goal.
Until he did.
2. Making a Profit in the Third (and Fourth) Quarter of 2018
Absolutely impossible, in part because item 1 above is impossible, was the idea – which Tesla CEO Elon Musk said without a doubt several times – that Tesla will make a profit in the 3rd (and later 4th) quarter of 2018. It just came out of this crazy world. It has undoubtedly been considered impossible and ridiculous dozens and dozens of times by CNBC, WSJ, Business Outsider and many other financial print / web publications leading up to Tesla's third quarter financial / equity conference. Experts across the landscape were confident that Tesla would not make a profit.
Until he did.
3. Make the Model 3 consistently sell the BMW 3 Series, Audi A4 and other mid-range sedans
The Tesla Model 3, despite quite a bit of Tesla fandom, would never be able to compete with middle-aged premium sedan leaders. Legends like the BMW 3 Series, Mercedes C-Class and Audi A4 look like the likes of the Model 3? Pfff – don't make me spill my pumpkin spice with latte on myself! Reflections among confidently pessimistic experts varied – there was a limit to how many people wanted an electric / green car; German carmakers offered so sophisticated and superb products that they would never be taken down by a poor, low, minimalist Tesla – no matter how many new technologies there were; Tesla will never be able to produce so many cars; the Tesla brand is still not so well known and will never be compared to BMW, Audi and Mercedes; Tesla has no dealers; and the long and the short of it: Tesla could never sell these automotive giants in one of their bread and butter classes.
Until he did.
4. Sell Model 3 for under $ 40,000
For several years, there has been skepticism that Tesla will ever be able to sell a car for less than $ 40,000. This has been called impossible in some way or another, probably hundreds of times interviewed by "experts" in the press. There is simply no way Wall Street exec ABC auto exec DEF or business professor GHI can crunch the numbers to create a sub-$ 40,000 Model 3. He it was all a hoax, a Ponzi scheme, a false promise, a fairy tale and a unicorn puzzle. Some experts were willing to bet their careers on their unwavering, irrefutable skepticism about this Tesla goal. Tesla could never sell the Tesla Model 3 with promised specifications for less than $ 40,000, and certainly not before 2020.
5. Build "Gigafactory" (now known as Gigafactory 1) in Nevada
Going back a little further, there is a large, giant battery factory that makes the 3-volume model possible 3. Years and years ago, in a distant, distant land, Elon Musk realized, "Oh, shit – we need lots of batteries." Maybe he thought or burst out loud: "We need gigawatts batteries! "Seeing the challenge of what it is and knowing how young and underdeveloped the global battery supply chain is for what Tesla needs, Elon, JB Straubel, Jerome Guillen and others have sketched the gigafactory for Model 3 batteries. Another important point was that this increase in production capacity would help reduce costs, which was crucial for the production of under $ 40,000 Tesla. But there was only one problem … the whole idea was impossible.
The idea of a giant gigfactor, a building designed to be the largest or second largest in the world, should make many critics laugh. The whole concept was absurd – where would Tesla get the money, how would he figure out how to build a giant factory for a product that was not really in the manufacturing business, the graphics were beyond Disney's fairy tale, all of this was just a long and complicated joke? Whatever Elon Musk thought, the Gigafactory will certainly not be finished – Florida will become a snowball before this gig factory is built.
6. Not go bankwupt in…
2008 2009 2010 2011 2012 2013 2014 2015 2016 2017 2018 2019
This covers exactly this topic. If you need more, check it out.
7. Build a car with enough cup holders
This is a joke for early Tesla owners and enthusiasts.
Ignore if you have only come across the Tesla theme in the last few years.
Do you have any other good ideas for things that Tesla absolutely, positively, flexibly * can't accomplish? More ideas for things our Tesla can't do?
If you want to buy a Tesla Model 3, Model S or Model X and you want 1000 miles of free charging, don't feel free to use my reference code: https://ts.la/zachary63404 – or use someone else if you have a friend or family member with Tesla. I will not cry.
* Technically not a word. Also, it's not appropriate for that sentence unless you're weird.
** As a side note, as I dig back into the history of some specific Tesla forecasts, I came across this gemstone from a quote from 2010: "I'm trying to see what the unique selling point of Tesla, to be frank, "said Angus McKenzie, editor of Motor Trend . Keep in mind that his opinion of the carmaker has definitely changed so far.
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