It was, on the Third of October of the Year 2019 that a mighty accomplished gentleman of Bagley, Iowa, Mr. Nick Leſtina by Name, discovered a more surprizing sight than any he had hitherto beheld: The Cellar of his family home was filled with BLOOD and bits of FLESH to a depth of five inches .
– KTIV News Four (@ktivnews) October 16, 2019
] Upon encountering the Blood and Tiſsue that had transformed his cellar floor into a Griſly Wading Pool Mr. The lesson is naturally succinctly Witchcraft or ſome other manner of Enchantment, and summoned the Iowa Department of Natural Reſources with great haſte. That body made an immediate Inquiry into the nature and meaning of this Diabolick Apparition, such as the plague of Ancient Egypt, and pronounced the blood to be Animal in nature, ſending word belonging to the Department of Health. Thoſe Learned Miniſters then informed the Leſtina family that their houſe was now a Health Hazard, who they mu [t Abandon until it could be clean'd of the devil's influenza.
Now, by the Confeſſions of those Accuſed and Convicted of Witchcraft , we know that Witches commiſsion their Confederate Spirits, to all the ſorts of Miſchiefs to their Neighbors, and therefore it was Conjectured that the ſource of the Curious Deluge in Mr. Leština's cellar would be cloſe at hand. Indeed, the next door to the house of Lehtina's family, was found an establishment known as “Dahl's Custom Meat Locker,” which was called a Knot of Witches might be meeting. But no mark of the Mark, which the Devil is known to leave upon the body when he makes his Covenant could be found on the bodies of thoſe there employ employed. However, a DRAIN, known to connect to the pipesame pipes that drain the Cellar of the Leſtinas, was found to be the Satanical Device reſponſible for the FLOOD . The Dahl family, having prov'd Innocent of Witchcraft, but Guilty of Inadequate Blood Drainage, have aledealed the drain and ſworn to help the Lehtina's once the Cellar is Dry.
This Hiſtory I Receivates the KTIV, Siouxland's News Channel and the Des Moines Register; and I pray that it may prove a Sign that the Firſt Seal will ſoon be OPENED, and the Doom of Man Proclaim suggested at laſt.