Is it possible to have a sexual arousal in your late twenties, even though you’ve already gone out gay and aroused for years? Because I’ve never felt this strongly about fictional characters before. (Is it 14 years old, a haircut, a closed and photoshop batch of photos of Draco Malfoy, a Harry Potter railing?) Am I willing to risk everything and by “risk everything” I mean to write a 600-page fanfic manifesto for Riley and Abby-Rabbi-Abley, true kindred spirits Hulu’s new lesbian Christmas movie, The happiest season.
But unfortunately, the film focuses on a far lower couple, Harpby. The happiest season begins when Harper (Mackenzie Davis) invites his girlfriend Abby (Kristen Stewart), whom he has been dating for more than a year, home for the holidays to meet with his family. During the trip, Abby reveals that her family doesn̵
In Harper’s absence, Abby starts dating local hot gay Riley (Aubrey Plaza), who reveals that Harper hasn’t shared the whole story of their relationship: Yes, Harper and Riley secretly (at Harper’s request) met in high school but when someone found out, Harper threw Riley at the wolves and said that Riley was a lesbian who wouldn’t leave her alone, temporarily ruining her life. Yes, just a super normal thing that any normal good person would do – certainly not an indication of Harper’s rebellious and unworthy nature (sorry! She is!)
If only The happiest season centered around Riley and her pheromones, rather than Harper and her wig, the film would be a much less painful outline story and much more satisfying.
But this is not for H * rper. This is a love letter to Riley, who, as anyone who has watched this rum-com knows for sure, Abby had to finish. Aubrey Plaza’s charisma as a strong lesbian doctor with a sardonic bite of humor is so strong that while she doesn’t do anything objectively sexual, I’ve never been sadder than the sexual energy of a character in my little gay life. And I’m not alone – lesbian Twitter is fluttering. The whole timeline is excited for Riley. Besides, Riley had real chemistry with Abby and stuff! They have both attended prestigious universities, they are both relaxed and comfortable with themselves, both wearing breathtaking costumes. Their chemistry reaches a fever when Riley takes Abby to a gay bar for a drink. They watch a drag performance and Riley helps Abby sing when the queens put her in place and disturb her. My heart basically pierced my chest like an iron fist and screamed, “KISS SOFT !!!” But then Harper wrote to Abby and Abby met her and her high school friends (and ex-boyfriend) in a straight bar – you know, those places where the man you want to set on fire forces you to take a picture has no reason other than to oppress you – and I shrank. The choice seems clear to me: a life of sliding queens, safe spaces and booths to share with Aubrey Plaza, or a lifetime of straight bars, sinister white families and code-switching with Mackenzie Davis – which is usually very hot but was made dirty with badly placed wig (sorry !! It was !!!).
Look, overall, I liked the movie a lot. I love hetero form quiring. But in this case, I don’t think the form in question was really set. Them called it a “banal story.” BuzzFeed said it was “a quest for assimilation in families with rights.” If only The happiest season centered around Riley and her pheromones, rather than Harper and her wig, the film would be a much less painful outline story and much more satisfying. I think we need a sequel starring Aubrey Plaza, with all his sexual lesbian power, going home to Hanukkah and just treating a girl, so, damn, dude. Seriously, I would watch an extremely seamless 14-hour live broadcast of Riley and her friend, who just eat snacks and talk. It would be so much sexier and more satisfying than Abby and Harper coming in – I’m sorry I just plugged it. Abby and Harper get engaged – haaaau – Abby and Harper get engaged.
In an interview, Plaza said of her role: “I hope people move away from the film and are disappointed that Kristen Stewart didn’t end up with my character and like street riots because of it.” All I’m saying is this: We , The alliance of strange women against the toxic lesbian, we must do the absolute minimum to honor Riley and literally explode in the streets. Riley Hive: We ride at dawn. Take all the feelings of injustice you have in your stomach from streaming The happiest season and show Ms. Plaza how much you care … by donating to GoFundMe and funding my 600-page fanfiction manifesto. I finally found my hill to die on, and that’s Aubrey Plaza in a cabin in a gay bar.